Grace

Several weeks, I passed through a particularly rough patch in my personal life. I was worried about the future, about my love life, about my family...it seemed everything was falling apart even though I was trying so hard to do the right thing. I was trying to be strong enough to face it all on my own and not to rely on anyone else, but I got to the point where I realized I couldn't do it on my own and needed to rely on someone else's strength. That someone ended up being God.
Over the next few weeks, as I prayed, the sorrows and pains that once stung grew less and less, and hope and joy returned to my life. In all the challenges life throws my way, I have learned I can make it through then if I rely on God's strength rather than my own. Indeed, I say: "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." -Philippians 4:13

Tis it already the season?

Some say not yet, but how can it not always be Christmas season when such beautiful songs exist?!? The miracle of Christmas is Jesus Christ, and he should be celebrated year round.
(I'm definitely on a Piano Guys kick right now, but ain't that the beauty of suggested videos on youtube!)

As a tree planted by the waters

A verse of scripture that stood out to me lately:

"Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord, and whose hope the Lord is. For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit." (Jeremiah 17:7-8). 

A drought can represent many things in our lives -  a spiritual drought when God seems far from us or answers to our prayers slow to a trickle; a temporal drought when no matter how hard we try there aren't enough time/resources to get everything done or to make ends meet. God doesn't promise life will be easy if we stay by him, but he does promise that we will survive these hard times and that he, the Living Water, will be the one to nourish us through them, if we but rely on him.

Every time life gets tough and stressful, I remind myself that I've been able to make it through everything so far. More importantly, though, I remind myself that if I trust in God and choose not to give space to my fears and worries, he will give me the peace, assurance, and strength to carry onward.

Redemption

Yesterday, I had a beautiful moment talking with my father. We talked about the nature of parenting and how the success of a parent is reflected in the type of person your children become. He told me he thinks of me as a particularly grateful child - grateful to be alive, not wanting to be a financial burden on the family, feeling guilty that they had to sell our childhood home to put me through college.

I was shocked. I've never been described as grateful by my parents. I've always felt they think of me as ungrateful - or lazy or spoiled or selfish or stubborn or unhelpful or uncooperative or disrespectful. Because, truth be told, I have been all of those things - more so when I was a child/teenager, but even now to a lesser degree. I knew they loved me because they had to, but I didn't think it was me, the person, that they loved, just the unconditional love that a parent has for their child.

Through that one comment, I was able to see more clearly what my dad saw when he looked at me. Not a perfect child, but a very good one. One who was trying hard to be a good daughter. One who loved and appreciated her parents. One who was no longer so belligerent or uncooperative as she once was. I was forgiven, I was allowed to reach a new potential, and I recognized that I am no longer the child I was.

As we forgive each other and ourselves, we can, as I did in that moment, love ourselves more freely and free ourselves from the shackles of who we once were. That spark of divinity that is beneath the surface of all of us shines through and we become something more wonderful. I could not feel this forgiveness so freely in my life if it were not for God's grace, and I will always proclaim, as Alma, "what joy, and what marvelous light" (Alma 36:20), fill my soul when I humbly ask God for forgiveness for the many small ways I am daily falling short..

Raindrops keep fallin on my head

Some days you start off good and they take a bad turn; others are just bad all the way through...my favorite (other than those rare few that are good all the way through) are those kind of days that start off terribly and take a turn for the better!

Today was one of those days. As I wrote in a document I titled bad day thoughts, "I started off my day SO GRUMPY. I was really frustrated with my life and how things weren't turning out the way I wanted them to, and yet I felt like I was upset about stupid things." [For the interested reader, I will specify that stupid things refers to my own struggles with turning guys down and feeling stressed out about looming deadlines on midterms, scholarships, and job applications.] 

But remember, happy ending? So while I'm laying there in bed, moping about my life and wishing I could stay at home watching chick flicks all day and imagining my life being that perfect and uncomplicated, I make the first decision that helps me to recover my happiness: I get up.

I read once that the opposite of depression is not happiness - it's activity (I read it on the internet, therefore it's true). I sure love to do nothing when I'm feeling sad about myself. But on days like today when I had tons of homework to do, class to attend, and a midterm to take, idle self-pity was not an option. I forced myself to get out of bed, and grabbed the first clothes I could find to head off to class. (You guys, I didn't even put the normal 5 minutes of fixing my hair/picking out cute clothes worth of effort that I normally do in the morning...it was legit a bad day). I was late, but so ticked off at life that it didn't even bug me.

Step two. I'm struggling to write a letter to a friend who is serving a mission (having been in his shoes, I know he doesn't want to hear about my dating/college student woes...letters from home ought to be one of your greatest sources of hope and encouragement, not distraction). I can't think of hardly anything positive to say, and honestly I just want to whine. As I'm writing, it becomes easier to think of a few positive things to say, and I am able to think of someone else's needs before my own, writing stuff that is encouraging for my friend.

Step three. I was still feeling a little grumpy after that, but luckily for me I ran into a wonderful friend who listened to my concerns for a good five minutes, then gave me solid advice. Since it was raining a little, we ended up listening to the song Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head, and it was perfectly applicable. Sometimes there are raindrops falling on our heads in life. Things you don't want to happen, but that we really just can't control. Just because there is rain in our lives doesn't mean we have to be upset and crying about it.

And, as the song says, we're never gonna stop the rain by complaining! Rain is completely outside our control. But how we react to it? Letting it bug us? That's something we can control.

Thoughts on God

In my angriest moments, when I am frustrated with the unfairness or trials of life, I know that it is me who is far from Him, and not He from me. Like a patient parent, he waits for me to calm down and to seek him again. In my joyful moments, I cry out in gratitude - Thank you Lord - for I see his hands in my good fortune. In my deepest darkest moments, when I feel abandoned or feel that no one can comprehend me, I cry out and He is there. Peace comes by degrees, and a quiet confidence - that this too shall pass - is restored.

I am never alone.