"Tell them why you believe"

I was very impressed by the words of Sister Sharon Eubank at General Conference this past year: "Tell them why you believe, if you ever doubted, how you got through it, and what Jesus Christ means to you." I have been feeling the need, over the past few weeks, to talk more about my personal periods of doubt and how I got through them.

I had a lot of doubts in high school. I vaguely believed that God existed, and I liked going to church, and I wanted to be like Jesus, but there were a lot of doctrines that really bothered me. Why could only men pass the sacrament or be bishop or give blessings and not women? Why was polygamy ever a commandment that a loving God could give? Was gay marriage really against the commandments? Why do we talk so much about the church being true when it's made up of imperfect people who have made mistakes?

There were many things I didn't understand, and many things that I didn't have a sure conviction of. People I cared about and admired were grappling with the same issues.

Eventually, as you can kind of guess, I did get through this period. While I can't say I'm an expert on faith crisis and doubt, I can share the things that helped me personally resolve my doubts.

1. A correct understanding of what faith is and how to build it.

Toward the beginning of this period of questioning, I began to focus on the principles taught in Alma 32 (specifically verses 21 and 27). "Faith is a hope for things which are not seen but are true." I certainly hoped that the Gospel was true, and that there were answers for me within the Church and its doctrine. "Even if you so much as desire to believe..." I couldn't say in this time period that I even believed almost any of the things I was worrying about - but I did desire to believe. Knowing that my hope and my desire were enough to start with was hugely reassuring and allowed me to continue on this journey. 

2. I made choices that would make it easier for my weak faith to grow.

When I began high school, I decided to read my scriptures every day, inspired by a bishop's challenge. As I neared graduation, I decided to attend BYU so I could be surrounded by people with similar beliefs and habits. Once I got to college, I decided to stop visiting online groups that I felt were encouraging my doubts. They had once been helpful in making me feel comfortable acknowledging my doubts and seeing others attempt to resolve them in their own lives, but I felt at that point, that they were creating unnecessary tension and conflict in my life. 

Because I continued to attend church throughout high school, I was blessed with several bishops and Young Women's leaders who believed in me - in my capacity to do good and to even inspire others to do good as well. They saw my potential and they saw the good that I was already doing, and they helped me channel that toward the Gospel. I also found friends among the Mormon group at my school, which helped me continue to want to go to church.

3. Patience

It took me a couple years to develop a testimony strong enough to be able to palate some of the answers I wanted and a couple years more to receive those answers. Along the way, I was blessed with a few strong spiritual experiences (receiving my patriarchal blessing, deciding to go on a mission, receiving confirmation of a specific doctrine prior to leaving on my mission). But mostly, it was daily acts of faith and frequent smaller spiritual experiences that built my faith and gave me the hope to keep going.

A testimony can grow in many ways and not everyone needs to make the same choices I did. However, I believe that each of these was essential in helping me develop the confidence that the church is true and that God lives and speaks to us. Over time, often through incremental bits of revelation, I was able to receive satisfying answers to each of my questions.

I still ask questions today, but they are different questions. How do I have faith and hope that God will keep His promises when it feels like nothing is going the way I want it to? How do I make the time I spend reading scriptures or praying more holy? How do I feel and show more love for those around me? What would Jesus do if He were in my shoes? Am I actually willing to do anything God requires of me or am I holding back in part?

Because I've had questions answered before, I know God will help me find these answers in time. I am grateful for the chance to learn of Him.

Some cute missionary reuniting with her dad. Just like our earthly parents, our Heavenly Parents love us a ton! That's why God will always answer our prayers - eventually.

Joseph Smith

I have to admit: as a child/teenager/young adult, I found the value placed on having a testimony of Joseph Smith...well, somewhat troubling. Shouldn't there be a lot higher emphasis on having a real, living testimony of the Atonement or of God's love for us? After all, Smith himself taught of the Atonement: "all other things which pertain to our religion are only appendages to it" (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, 121).

I tabled this concern for a long time, and tried to focus my studies on doctrines I considered more important (principally the plan of salvation, the Atoning sacrifice of Jesus, and God's love for me).

Recently, I was sitting in stake conference and something clicked into place.
"a pillar of light above the brightness of the sun at noon day came down and rested upon me and I was filled with the spirit of God and the Lord opened the heavens upon me and I saw the Lord and he spake unto me, saying 'Joseph my son thy sins are forgiven thee. go thy way walk in my statutes and keep my commandments behold I am the Lord of glory I was crucified for the world that all those who believe on my name may have Eternal life.'" (Joseph Smith's first vision, 1832 account)
"And now, after the many testimonies which have been given of him, this is the testimony, last of all, which we give of him: That he lives! For we saw him, even on the right hand of God; and we heard the voice bearing record that he is the Only Begotten of the Father— That by him, and through him, and of him, the worlds are and were created." (Doctrine & Covenants 76:22-24)

The testimony of Joseph Smith is not a testimony of an extraordinary man, an man worthy of veneration (beyond the admiration we ought to give to those who humbly, obediently give all they have to the God they love). It is a testimony of the Father and Son that he bears. When I read these words, I know that God lives. I know that I can be forgiven of my sins. I know that I can find peace and strength beyond my own through the grace of the Atonement.

In the end, it's not a testimony of the man himself that we should obtain, but of his testimony of God/Jesus. As we come to know God, we will recognize the truthfulness of the witness that Joseph Smith bears. Because the words of Joseph Smith provide such a true testimony of God and of Jesus, we can know that he was called of God.