"Tell them why you believe"

I was very impressed by the words of Sister Sharon Eubank at General Conference this past year: "Tell them why you believe, if you ever doubted, how you got through it, and what Jesus Christ means to you." I have been feeling the need, over the past few weeks, to talk more about my personal periods of doubt and how I got through them.

I had a lot of doubts in high school. I vaguely believed that God existed, and I liked going to church, and I wanted to be like Jesus, but there were a lot of doctrines that really bothered me. Why could only men pass the sacrament or be bishop or give blessings and not women? Why was polygamy ever a commandment that a loving God could give? Was gay marriage really against the commandments? Why do we talk so much about the church being true when it's made up of imperfect people who have made mistakes?

There were many things I didn't understand, and many things that I didn't have a sure conviction of. People I cared about and admired were grappling with the same issues.

Eventually, as you can kind of guess, I did get through this period. While I can't say I'm an expert on faith crisis and doubt, I can share the things that helped me personally resolve my doubts.

1. A correct understanding of what faith is and how to build it.

Toward the beginning of this period of questioning, I began to focus on the principles taught in Alma 32 (specifically verses 21 and 27). "Faith is a hope for things which are not seen but are true." I certainly hoped that the Gospel was true, and that there were answers for me within the Church and its doctrine. "Even if you so much as desire to believe..." I couldn't say in this time period that I even believed almost any of the things I was worrying about - but I did desire to believe. Knowing that my hope and my desire were enough to start with was hugely reassuring and allowed me to continue on this journey. 

2. I made choices that would make it easier for my weak faith to grow.

When I began high school, I decided to read my scriptures every day, inspired by a bishop's challenge. As I neared graduation, I decided to attend BYU so I could be surrounded by people with similar beliefs and habits. Once I got to college, I decided to stop visiting online groups that I felt were encouraging my doubts. They had once been helpful in making me feel comfortable acknowledging my doubts and seeing others attempt to resolve them in their own lives, but I felt at that point, that they were creating unnecessary tension and conflict in my life. 

Because I continued to attend church throughout high school, I was blessed with several bishops and Young Women's leaders who believed in me - in my capacity to do good and to even inspire others to do good as well. They saw my potential and they saw the good that I was already doing, and they helped me channel that toward the Gospel. I also found friends among the Mormon group at my school, which helped me continue to want to go to church.

3. Patience

It took me a couple years to develop a testimony strong enough to be able to palate some of the answers I wanted and a couple years more to receive those answers. Along the way, I was blessed with a few strong spiritual experiences (receiving my patriarchal blessing, deciding to go on a mission, receiving confirmation of a specific doctrine prior to leaving on my mission). But mostly, it was daily acts of faith and frequent smaller spiritual experiences that built my faith and gave me the hope to keep going.

A testimony can grow in many ways and not everyone needs to make the same choices I did. However, I believe that each of these was essential in helping me develop the confidence that the church is true and that God lives and speaks to us. Over time, often through incremental bits of revelation, I was able to receive satisfying answers to each of my questions.

I still ask questions today, but they are different questions. How do I have faith and hope that God will keep His promises when it feels like nothing is going the way I want it to? How do I make the time I spend reading scriptures or praying more holy? How do I feel and show more love for those around me? What would Jesus do if He were in my shoes? Am I actually willing to do anything God requires of me or am I holding back in part?

Because I've had questions answered before, I know God will help me find these answers in time. I am grateful for the chance to learn of Him.

Some cute missionary reuniting with her dad. Just like our earthly parents, our Heavenly Parents love us a ton! That's why God will always answer our prayers - eventually.

Joseph Smith

I have to admit: as a child/teenager/young adult, I found the value placed on having a testimony of Joseph Smith...well, somewhat troubling. Shouldn't there be a lot higher emphasis on having a real, living testimony of the Atonement or of God's love for us? After all, Smith himself taught of the Atonement: "all other things which pertain to our religion are only appendages to it" (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, 121).

I tabled this concern for a long time, and tried to focus my studies on doctrines I considered more important (principally the plan of salvation, the Atoning sacrifice of Jesus, and God's love for me).

Recently, I was sitting in stake conference and something clicked into place.
"a pillar of light above the brightness of the sun at noon day came down and rested upon me and I was filled with the spirit of God and the Lord opened the heavens upon me and I saw the Lord and he spake unto me, saying 'Joseph my son thy sins are forgiven thee. go thy way walk in my statutes and keep my commandments behold I am the Lord of glory I was crucified for the world that all those who believe on my name may have Eternal life.'" (Joseph Smith's first vision, 1832 account)
"And now, after the many testimonies which have been given of him, this is the testimony, last of all, which we give of him: That he lives! For we saw him, even on the right hand of God; and we heard the voice bearing record that he is the Only Begotten of the Father— That by him, and through him, and of him, the worlds are and were created." (Doctrine & Covenants 76:22-24)

The testimony of Joseph Smith is not a testimony of an extraordinary man, an man worthy of veneration (beyond the admiration we ought to give to those who humbly, obediently give all they have to the God they love). It is a testimony of the Father and Son that he bears. When I read these words, I know that God lives. I know that I can be forgiven of my sins. I know that I can find peace and strength beyond my own through the grace of the Atonement.

In the end, it's not a testimony of the man himself that we should obtain, but of his testimony of God/Jesus. As we come to know God, we will recognize the truthfulness of the witness that Joseph Smith bears. Because the words of Joseph Smith provide such a true testimony of God and of Jesus, we can know that he was called of God.

"Endure it well"

Life has been tough lately. Like really really tough. I don't really want to get into the details, except that it's been hard for several weeks now, and sometimes I wonder: "When is it ever going to get better? Haven't I suffered enough? Haven't I learned what I was supposed to?"

The answer that came to me this morning was this: I don't know when. But I know it will get better. It's not going to be like this forever.

I really do believe that God could take this pain away if he wanted. He's done it before in other experiences. I believe in miracles.

But he hasn't. Leaving me wondering, as Joseph Smith in his prison cell, "How long...?" (D&C 121:2)

This talk has given me the best answer: "if certain mortal experiences were cut short, it would be like pulling up a flower to see how the roots are doing. Put another way, too many anxious openings of the oven door, and the cake falls instead of rising."

We may want certain trials to end long before God has planned for them to end. If they did end earlier, we might miss out on the chance to develop so many different virtues that can only be developed through long, slow, painful endurance.

"Patient endurance permits us to cling to our faith in the Lord and our faith in His timing when we are being tossed about by the surf of circumstance. Even when a seeming undertow grasps us, somehow, in the tumbling, we are being carried forward, though battered and bruised."

I really do believe this will all allow me to be a more faithful, humble, patient and compassionate person one day, the wonderful person that God has intended me to become. So I continue to trust in God. I trust in His timing, and I trust that this will get better.

and I keep reading this talk because it inspires me. :)

Choose ye this day...

I taught Relief Society today. My final testimony, the most powerful thing I believe I said was this: Sometimes in life, things don't go the way you want them to. This can be disappointing or heartbreaking. When you can't choose to change your circumstance, you have two options: you can either choose to believe (believe it will get better, believe God has a plan) or choose not to.

JUST BELIEVE!! It may not take away your trial, but it will make it easier to get through.

Grace

Several weeks, I passed through a particularly rough patch in my personal life. I was worried about the future, about my love life, about my family...it seemed everything was falling apart even though I was trying so hard to do the right thing. I was trying to be strong enough to face it all on my own and not to rely on anyone else, but I got to the point where I realized I couldn't do it on my own and needed to rely on someone else's strength. That someone ended up being God.
Over the next few weeks, as I prayed, the sorrows and pains that once stung grew less and less, and hope and joy returned to my life. In all the challenges life throws my way, I have learned I can make it through then if I rely on God's strength rather than my own. Indeed, I say: "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." -Philippians 4:13

Tis it already the season?

Some say not yet, but how can it not always be Christmas season when such beautiful songs exist?!? The miracle of Christmas is Jesus Christ, and he should be celebrated year round.
(I'm definitely on a Piano Guys kick right now, but ain't that the beauty of suggested videos on youtube!)

As a tree planted by the waters

A verse of scripture that stood out to me lately:

"Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord, and whose hope the Lord is. For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit." (Jeremiah 17:7-8). 

A drought can represent many things in our lives -  a spiritual drought when God seems far from us or answers to our prayers slow to a trickle; a temporal drought when no matter how hard we try there aren't enough time/resources to get everything done or to make ends meet. God doesn't promise life will be easy if we stay by him, but he does promise that we will survive these hard times and that he, the Living Water, will be the one to nourish us through them, if we but rely on him.

Every time life gets tough and stressful, I remind myself that I've been able to make it through everything so far. More importantly, though, I remind myself that if I trust in God and choose not to give space to my fears and worries, he will give me the peace, assurance, and strength to carry onward.